Saturday, January 14, 2023

How to heal my broken heart

 

There are many things in life that I did and still do that I regret. Here are some

  • Raising my voice at my family
  • Getting frustrated very easily and I don't know why / can't understand
  • A sense of self-righteousness


One the 2nd point.....
that triggers from underlying of "something I want to do, but can't because a present issue is needing my attention"

When I am frustrated, I do crazy things. I feel a pain in my emotions and stab in my heart, because it stopped me from doing what I was wanting to do. Here is one example


Walking around the kitchen for food because I'm hungry, then I spill the cat water or cat food all over the floor.

Immediately, these are the racing thoughts.

1. if I don't fix that right now, I will be scoled

pause, now I have to explain what "scoled" means "for me"

scolded = when dominic's wife corrects him on leaving a mess and didn't clean it, so he expects others to clean it for him, because he is lazy and always his wife has to tell him, making him more lazy and my wife is angry.

scolded v2.0 = if 1.0 is missing, 2.0 is when mother-in-law walks around and has to bend over with her already broken back, and I see it, and she is cleaning 'my' mess because I was too lazy or (fill in the blank) here.

Question: what is that fill in the blank?

it's more sinister but we don't have time for that....or do we?

the "fill in the blank" is sometimes.

1. I don't gotta clean, let them handle it
2. forget it, life sucks, I'm out, bye

that is what I mean by "more sinister"

but why call is "sinister"


https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sinister



 
1: singularly evil or productive of evil
2: accompanied by or leading to disaster
3: presaging ill fortune or trouble

  a
: of, relating to, or situated to the left or on the left side of something
especially : being or relating to the side of a heraldic shield at the left of the person bearing it
  b
: of ill omen by reason of being on the left


it's the "I don't give a poop mindset/attitude"

that is a sinister thing I see inside me.

eff this eff that, eff the world, eff you, that is me, sometimes at home, sometimes at work.

sometimes it's called "I don't have time to deal with it"

sometimes it's called "oh well, it's life"

sometimes I "justify" myself

oh man now is the final one, sometimes I am a self-righteous prick, yes, this me repeating what others called me before and now and before and later, I will always admit it.

I am not a great person. I'm a self-righteous prick.

Does this raise doubts?

It should.....but I don't want you to doubt everything I say, I am not lying 24/7, but you can tell, that I do still lie.

how did I lie?

I didn't pick up the cat food and cat water I spilled, walking away from it, letting someone else do it, and yet...I say "I love you" to my family..

Now, I am telling the truth of my admitting of lying.

That is sinister. Not like sinister like what a horror movie will give you..but if I am just "OK" with my little sinister self now, and don't correct it (not simply my "behavior", no deeper, my "reasons" and "beliefs" about why I did that action and still holding on to the "i love you" beliefs but actually not show "love" to my wife and let her clean up my mess or my mother in law by letter her clean up my mess.

I think I hear someone say "Dang dominic, you are too hard on yourself"

or

does anyone say "Damn fool, you moron, how dare you make you mother-in-law..."


These are not voices but these are thoughts too that beat me up.

I am trying to fix
I am trying to correct..


ok, so what is the "healing and good news"

Here is it.

1. Admit my wrong
2. Desire to change my attitudes for real not for a show

how can I do 1. ? I can tell my family. I'm sorry, and not try to 'justify myself' and definately NOT raise my voice, because 'raising my voice' is NOT truly "I'm sorry" but an act of attack and revenge (in my understanding anyway).

how can I do 2? This is why I cry and pray to God.

I can't do the 2. "desire to change my attitudes for real" because I am still holding on to something.

What am I holding on to?

These are some burdens I confess.
1. why is the cat food so close to my feet. Who put it there?
2. why do I live in this house?
3. why am I so freaking clumbsy
4. what the eff man <<<< this one is a revealation of some more anger and rage in my mind/soul


why am I so pissed off?
what has angered me so, I just kicked over the cat food, and the water, ok, I'm roaring hungry but why so upset?


the venting of the anger is because of 'pain'

I have pain inside me.

I have tears I didn't cry yet and tears I am doing to cry and will cry later

I have brokenness inside me

brokenness is a deep hurt inside me

past hurts to me (I remember) also they remember so it's a double-sided brokenness of I get hurt and I hurt others.

pain births more pain

pain killers are not going to work in this case. Morphine helps me feel food. so does Valium (These are Emergency Room drugs you know, I'm not encouraging drug use).

we need a soul cleaning, I'm not simply talking about a soul cleaning from "kitting the cat food and cat water"...no way, I can get a towel and do that myself and no problem but if I do it with rage and hate inside me.....then I am hurting and broken and still all the rage is inside me.


You might be guessing where I am taking this....?

"Hey, man, I am not going to listen to you, or let you tell me how to run my life, I already tried God and these religious fakes are all the same"

or

"Eff you Dominic, you don't know what I've been through"


Ok, let me say this ..even if went throught exactly the same thing you went through, same month, same day, same, same exact details, of the same offense....I would only be able to "relate" to you, and that alone will not "qualify" me to tell you to "take my advice"...

let's say I went through "exactly the same offense" and you know it well, can I say "take drugs" or "kill yourself"...technically, but really, morally, "no way" so that means "not all advice is sound and true advice" too, despite I went through the same exact scenario.



Now let me through in another curve ball, I'm a recovering sex addict, I have been told by other men some things I ought to be doing.

1. Dominic must go to all the meetings
2. Dominic must read these books
3. Dominic must call his sponsor when he feels the urge to act out

Did I listen? yes and no but that did not help me.......

I have such a huge hurt and NO ONE can really understand me. Not a soul. I can share my story to other dude and we can "relate" but we don't go into specifics for "many reasons".....triggers/pain...

so this is how far as I can take you on this ride/journey

How to heal my broken heart....?

I have already confessed that I can't

Perhaps you think "what the hey dom, you suckered me to read your text and I did and you didn't provide any help, you suck"

Ok, let me tell you then....I'm sorry, I don't wish to waste your time, I don't think that is right and I don't want you to go away without something good.

Oh man, I used the word "good"

what is good?

To me....these are good
1. my God
2. my family
3. my friends
4. my pets
5. life in general
6. food
7. clothes

Now, I need all of those in my life. I can't have God if I don't have my family. It was my family who raised me up as a Christian yet I turned away from God and went into Satanism, drugs, occult, and got too much shame to proof it, I hated all others who seemed "good" as "goodie two-shoes" and I wished they all died and burned in hell...I'm not lying.....Hello, it's nice to you meet you guy, nows you know my past. (not sarcasm but sadness). I hit rock bottom and cry out to God and God heard me. You can know details if you want, but that was it.

God, where are you, why do I hate you, and everyone, why do I keep repeating the same mistakes, I hate everything..

that is how I prayed from the heart and I cried and opened my heart and just became empty and broken.....

on my face, on the floor, I was reminded that God still loves me, despite my repeated offenses and despite what happened to me. I remembered that Jesus did die for me and did want me to know that, and that knowledge of true love, broke me, and just put me into a peace...a peace that I didn't understand. My wife was leaving me but my God didn't. I left all my recovery men but my God didn't leave me.

In my darkness and lonliness, I met the real Jesus. He is alive and lives inside me

but all those things I mentioned, my sinisterness, my anger, I still have it, yes, I was not zapped with some holy lightening, I am having to re-program how I think and how I manage my emotions, but the difference is that now, I am not alone. I don't feel alone ever. I feel Him all around me, I remember the promises He told me. "I love you, I will not leave you"

that is what I wanted, that is what I need, someone to love me for real. I don't need sex really I don't. I need someone to love me, my sick mind, brokenness and God is changing me.

Perhaps this all sounds crazy "oh great here we go, another Jesus freak"

I am not upset. I used to think they were nuts, until I realized that He is real and is actually loving and kind, so much better than anything I have ever seen or heard.

Do you know...when I hear others "die on the battlefield to jump on a bomb to save their men in a war"...do you know how i process that...


"wow, that was an act of self-sacrifice true love, and it showed itself when he did that for his men"

in the military, acts like that earn a medal of honor,

but I'm talking about someone greater, i'm understanding now that all this love we see around us, is not only men and women alone but God working around them, through them, in spite of them

that is a better way for me to process my whole life and existance.

but the pain and suffering, what of that?

I have been given a little bit of time left, there are poor people poor children around me, there are hurt people around me, there are others who need to know the love that can heal them, real love, I believe Jesus Christ is that for you and me.

Everyone single person who ever lived, I whole hearted believe that. That if we seek God with our whole heart, we will find out the truth for ourselve and God will reveal Himself to you and me.

Please try that, try to find this great spiritual doctor who can heal you. I can't say anything more.

My critics and enemies, I love you too, I don't hate you. I don't think I know of any enemies in my real life. There is no one on this forum that I am thinking of, don't worry, but if I do meet one or they are now becoming one because of what I'm saying....

it's OK, I still love you, I am not mad at you. I do have anger sometimes, and I need help, but I am not angry at you. I am not here to tell you commands and how to rule over you, no man, no way. I'm like more of a your servant. I will do for you whatever I need to or can, with God's help. You need a hug, or water or food, yes, I know the Bible tells me to give it to you, but even if I didn't hear that ...I would do it always, because I know deep down, you need water and food and just like me, so do I.









Singing to the Lord and reading Luke 16-24

 


Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Singing to the Lord and reading Luke 1 - 5


 

Automatic Thoughts, Beliefs, and Challenge them.

 There is a thing called the ABC chart - it is supposed to identify the following:

Automatic Thought
Belief about that Automatic Thought
Challenge the Automatic Thought


Here is one of my examples that I did struggle with

Situation: I call my wife and she doesn't pick up the phone
My Automatic Thought: "She must be in trouble"
My Belief about the Automatic Thought: "I will be lost without her", "I can't stand the though of losing her or something bad happening"
My Challenge to that Automatic Thought" "It is not true that every time I call, and she doesn't pick up that something CATASTROPHIC is happening to her.

In this scenario, my personal life, the worry/fear/intrusive/automatic thoughts were of "danger" to a loved one, i.e. "my wife". I have the same thing but different automatic thoughts for my children too, we have three children. I worry so much about them, not only because I loved them but because I do not want any pain or suffering to happen to them, so I "think" and "allow thoughts" or "entertain thought"

but the "belief" of these "thoughts" are always, mostly, bad, harmful, malicious, and effects my moods, to bring me soo soo down.


There are times I make a mistake and I need corrections - I'm not talking about that
There are times that I hurt my online friends - I am stupid for doing that and evil. It's true. I regret it.

There are times I hate that I keep nagging my wife asking her "are you OK?" and "are the children ok?" to the point where my persistent nagging is now changing her moods and she is upset at me for this.

She tells me "Trust in God" and "we are doing what we can, and we are trying to do our best for the protection"

It hits me.

I'm a control freak (see how I just didn't follow my own advice just labeled me?). It's more realistic to say "I am trying to understand and control things as best as I can, but I fail sometimes instead of generalizing and using "labels").

I am a control freak, I am trying to control germs from entering my body, my wife and my children but I have to admit, I can't control it, even they try, they can't either, we try but the best thing I can do is wash my hands, eat well, sleep well, take vitamins, and have a positive mood for a better health.

My belief system is under attack, sometimes I need to change my belief system.
Somethings I admit, I am not willing to change for example, my belief in God, my faith in Jesus Christ, because I believe God teaches me to love Him first and the most, then love others, and also my enemies, so I admit I can't or rather am not willing to change these beliefs. These are good to me I believe.

But...some other beliefs I still need to "challenge" or "verify" and "check out". Namely, the C, in the A, B, C.

I need to challenge the beliefs of the automatic thoughts.

The automatic thoughts will tell me lies.

Here are some lies.

"Your wife has already died in a ball of fire"
"Your children are all suffering and hurt now"

and You can see why I have panic attacks because I "believe" these "lies" but that is kind of harsh, perhaps it's better and polite to say "I'm trying to figure things out" After all, that is why I asked my doctor once. I asked him "Dr. what should I tell others when they ask me 'Hey, you are going to mental health, why?" and my Dr. said "tell him that you are just trying to figure things out" and he said it quickly and confidently, as if he believes it and I thought "hmm, that sounds good to me" so I don't fear what others think about me, or in regards to my mental health.

I admit that I'm crazy and I love crazy people. I mean, not the ones who want to abuse and harm others, I mean, I like corny, I like the underdog team, I like the little and what the world would call "outsiders"...because I consider myself to be like them in so many ways. We have so much in common, but we are kind of afraid to talk about it, due to fear of reprisals and peer pressure. I figure it's best to let people be who they are and if we bump heads, ok, if we don't, even better.

I would love to meet everyone and accept them and them to accept me too. I honestly so. I don't care if you are "think" you are dumb, stinky, ugly, lame, narcissist, obsessed about something.

Let me tell you something though. I lack love, sometimes I'm nice, and it's God's help, but sometimes, I pissed off and angry and had this anger problem for my whole life. Still, that doesn't give me a right to abuse God's grace and hurt fellow men and women and children and elders. :(

I have used God's grace (you might call it, "I didn't get caught so I'm ok") as a license (aka "I can just keep doing and repeating it") and it's so wrong soo soo wrong. I should be learning. But some might say "Oh we are human" and "yes, we are but I have to keep trying to better myself and hopefully make amends" and I have also realized that "I can't fix anther's hurt" and that is "out of my control" and though I try with gifts and letters, it's still up to that person to heal, drop the charges, forgive, or whatever words you want to use, to heal, that is the best way that I can understand it. There are many in my life that I hurt and they rightly leave me, I do deserve that. I don't want my company to impact their mental health, so perhaps, it truly is better for people to part ways, even though it hurts. I think of my brothers, and co-workers. Still some will not reply to any of my emails, it's OK, I want to still love them, because I know I am very unlovable and very mean spirited at times, in fact, much of the day, :)

I hope this will help someone there today.


Sincerely,
Dominic